Good For You, Not For Me / by Miranda Barzey

Inevitably on our sexual journey, we encounter a sex act that makes us go, "WHAT THE EVERLOVING SHIT WAS THAT?!" Maybe it was in porn. Maybe your friends told you to google something and giggled as they watched you see something you really didn't want to. Or maybe it came from a sexual partner, putting you in an awkward place.

There's a saying that the definition of kinky is whatever is outside your own boundaries. For some, it's fuzzy handcuffs. For some, it's flesh hooks. We all have different, constantly shifting boundaries, so it's all relative. Mocking something outside your boundaries benefits no one. In fact, it's a really shitty, sex-negative thing to do.

Sex positivity is supporting safe, consensual, and free expression of sexual identity. If those requirements of safety, freedom, and consent are being respected, who gives a damn what happens in someone's bedroom? It's rude to yuck someone's yum in any context, but especially with something as intimate as sex. If someone says, "I really like rocky road ice cream!" and you react violently that it's awful and strawberry is better, have you really contributed anything worthwhile to the conversation?

Here's what you can say instead:

That's not my cup of tea, but thanks for asking.
That's beyond my boundaries, but maybe we can find something that works for both of us.
That's not my kink, but it seems like you really enjoy it!
No thanks!
Or you could just say nothing. Either way, don't be a buzzkill.

P.S. This also applies to "kinky" folks who make fun of "vanilla" sex. Stop worrying so much about how other people orgasm and focus on your own pleasure.


This post was originally published in the November issue of the Bettie Bullet newsletter. If you'd like to be the first to see content like this, sign up here.